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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28187442">nothing brings people together like good food</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/svnkissed/pseuds/svnkissed'>svnkissed</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>5+1 Things, Aged-Up Character(s), Attempt at Humor, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Just slightly, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Slice of Life, but they're soft, gays unite, its yeonkai time baby, just know that kai is suffering in college and yeonjun is suffering in work, my writing is bad but hey character development !!, none of them are neurotypical or cishet, stupidly oblivious friends in love, they're dumbasses</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 21:42:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>15,920</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28187442</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/svnkissed/pseuds/svnkissed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>choi yeonjun and huening kai has different encounters together involving food, and maybe they catch some feelings along the way.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Choi Yeonjun/Huening Kai</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>TXT Secret Santa Fic Fest 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>nothing brings people together like good food</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/princeseokjin/gifts">princeseokjin</a>.</li>



    </ul></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>food. </p><p> </p><p>it’s something that is one of the most important needs of human beings. it’s the very thing that humans love to have— just food, food, food, food, and more food. there are so many good things in life, and for yeonjun, good food is one of them. </p><p> </p><p><em>food is essential for everyday enjoyment and nutrition</em>, choi yeonjun would say to others when someone asks him why he eats a lot. it makes him feel full and happy. well, he certainly wouldn’t expect that taking a well-deserved break from work and eating the good food that he likes would land him into this situation that would happen after a couple of months, involving this particular boy named huening kai...</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>☆</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <strong>i. noisy restaurant, bright smiles</strong> </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun walks into the restaurant, dressed casually and he took a seat near the windows, crossing his legs and pushing up the glasses he bought recently. he felt sweaty from the workout he did after his job, so naturally, he needed to give himself some credit by taking himself out on a restaurant date. </p><p> </p><p>the interior was nice— it was almost disguised as a vintage restaurant you’d see in likes it. he sees a waiter approach him and greet him with a rehearsed yet genuine smile, asking him if he can take his order. the waiter gave him the menu and he left to take care of the other customers and left yeonjun sit in his thoughts awkwardly. <em>strange</em>, he thought to himself. he shrugged it off and just looked at the menu instead. most of the food has rather reasonable prices (which caught yeonjun off guard— were restaurants this reasonable and cool?) and, of course, some were too expensive. it was yeonjun’s first time in this particular restaurant, but he would say that he could come back here if he wanted to. the ambiance was nice and it made him feel calmer. usually, restaurants would make yeonjun feel even more tired because of the noise and the chatter, but here, even if the scraping of the utensils and the talking made him feel nice. like it grounded him with a feeling that hey, things can and will be okay. </p><p> </p><p>he sighs contentedly after ordering his food and he leans back, scrolling through his emails and text messages, lips pursed in a natural pout while reading them all. it starts to stress him out a little bit. his boss and colleagues are persistent and it annoyed him a little. he replies to some of them, but he decided not to continue further. he was already tired trying to satisfy his clients’ needs, and yeonjun needed a break. he felt a little pressured, as he was considered the best in his department. number one, in fact. but he doesn’t really <em>know</em> if he deserves the title. it made the blond a little confused, terrified, but at the same time, a little nervous. he turns off his phone and decided to wait for the food instead.</p><p> </p><p>several minutes had passed and yeonjun was getting tired. he understands if the cooks were a little slow— after all, there were a lot of people here. if he were a child in this restaurant all alone, he’d have cried because there were so many strangers, and needed someone familiar to keep him at bay. he’s fine at the moment, though— he only needs himself. no one else. yeonjun only needs yeonjun. he’s left everything that didn’t matter to him, so he’s doing well, thank you for asking. </p><p> </p><p>he waits a little more. he chooses to watch some netflix show called “queer eye” (obviously not sponsored). it probably didn’t work, since yeonjun was getting a little stressed out about how long and how noisy the restaurant was, but he didn’t obviously want to be a karen so he decided to make himself suffer. </p><p> </p><p>(probably <em>not</em> the best idea if you’re in a restaurant, all alone, while trying to live.)</p><p> </p><p>yeonjun’s head snaps up a little when he saw a shy-looking boy who was fidgeting a little, holding his tray of food. the blond tilts his head and smiles at the newcomer.</p><p> </p><p>“i-is it okay if i sit here?” the boy asks, his voice small although he wasn’t looking at the older boy. the restaurant was full of people already, and there are not enough seats at the moment. yeonjun shrugs. <em>well, so be it. </em></p><p> </p><p>“why not? i’m all alone, anyway, and it’s fine to sit here.” </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun smiles at the boy as he sat down, thanking him politely and the blond boy takes in the rather cute appearance his new seatmate has. </p><p> </p><p>he had long, curly black hair that was parted in the middle, letting him have a peek at his forehead. his honey skin is rivaled by the gods, and his features made him look like a foreigner. his lips were sort of thin, but they were rosy. his face had a few moles here and there, and he had a cute mole on the size of his neck that reminds the blond of a watermelon seed. the clothes the boy wore looked a little too comfortable in his large frame and it resembled something of what a highschooler would wear. interesting. </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun concluded that this boy is extremely cute. and pretty. and he’s kinda jealous of how healthy his hair is and how young he looks. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>what a beauty. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>yeonjun knows he’s sort of staring, so he chooses to look up a game his coworkers started to play. something about..an imposter among us, or something like that. </p><p> </p><p>the silence was a little awkward, but somehow, it was nice..and comforting. it wasn’t exactly yeonjun’s first time having to share a seat with some stranger, but it rarely felt so nice, even in the silence. </p><p> </p><p>the two only started talking as the food arrived, and they thanked the waiter and started eating. yeonjun couldn’t help but glance up at his seatmate, who seems to be enjoying the food and making only endearing noises. </p><p> </p><p>“you seem happy,” yeonjun comments and the boy looks up, cheeks flushing a little as he ducks his head down and clears his throat, wiping the mess on the corner of his lips. </p><p> </p><p>“i had a bad day..the food was yummy and it made me feel nice.”</p><p> </p><p>the blond chuckles and takes a sip of his cola and hisses at the fizzy drink before looking at the boy. </p><p> </p><p>“oh, really? is it okay if you tell me what happened?” the boy’s face seemed to scrunch up in worry, and it elicited a soft laugh from yeonjun’s lips. yeonjun got a glimpse of the boy’s cheeks visibly becoming redder and he averts his eyes when yeonjun took a glance at him, “don’t worry, i won’t tell anyone. besides, sometimes, you just gotta let it all out to a stranger if you have no other option. i’m not gonna force you, though— it’s alright if you don’t tell me. we can just talk normally on whatever we want to.” </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun shrugs and watches the boy hesitantly play with the sleeves of his yellow and purple striped fuzzy sweater, nibbling on the bottom of his lips, nervous energy swirling around the two boys on their table amongst the busy and noisy restaurant. </p><p> </p><p>the boy takes a deep breath and exhales before he starts talking. </p><p> </p><p>“um..i had an exam today. i was nervous ‘cause i just crammed in some notes and studied until dawn because i was tired of doing a lot of stuff. you could say i got..uh..stressed. i’m scared that i’ll get a low grade, cause my teachers expect all of us in our class to get average or high scores. and i’m not really an honor student..” </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun frowns and ruffles the boy’s hair gently, and pats his shoulder, “don’t be nervous. you are doing really well and i’m sure you will get good results. you don’t have to get perfect grades, even if you were at the top of the class. consistently convincing yourself that you must get this thing or that thing while holding yourself back and pressuring yourself isn’t good.” </p><p> </p><p>the boy looks at him curiously, looking like a lost puppy wanting to hear a wise one’s words. it’s so endearing to yeonjun that he almost ruined the moment by giggling, but he held himself back and decided to roll with giving the said lost puppy some advice. </p><p> </p><p>“being at the top, or more accurately in your case, <em>trying</em> to be in the top with all the great, talented, and smart people, is damaging and can very well be the cause of a lot of bad, anxious thoughts. you don’t necessarily have to fit in with the cool kids, because sometimes, you’re just better off at being..you.”</p><p> </p><p>yeonjun smiles. </p><p> </p><p>“the great thing about being yourself is that you don’t have to change yourself to make other people see something that isn’t really “<em>you</em>”. you don’t have to force yourself out of your comfort zone. you can be loud as you want or be as quiet as you want. you’re you. nothing can change that. so don’t pressure yourself, okay?”</p><p> </p><p>the boy in front of him nods and smiles rather gratefully, and the blond’s heart did somersaults when the cutie giggles and smiles, taking in a few minutes to digest the other’s words, before finally speaking.</p><p> </p><p>“..actually, you’re correct. being yourself and showing off that you have other talents than <em>that</em>..yeah. it’s just that this society is so damn expectant of the youth, and sometimes, they think that we’re inferior or something. doesn’t matter what race or color or ethnicity or sexuality you have— they all treat the younger ones the same. they always put them down, sometimes, the kid doesn’t even know it.”</p><p> </p><p>the two chuckle bitterly, and they both drank the last of their ordered drinks and decided to spend a little more time together, despite them being total strangers that just met a couple of hours ago. </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun learned the boy’s name— his name was kai. huening kai. full name is kai kamal huening. his name is melodious, as well as his voice. he’s the middle child and he’s currently majoring in psychology — almost graduating, yeonjun thinks. that's what he remembers, at least. he’s in a good university, which made the older (yes, older) look at him in awe. </p><p> </p><p>“i dance and kinda do music in the sidelines,” kai casually says, eating some dessert that he bought because he wanted to eat more, “but i’m also okay at singing. i haven’t sung to anyone else except my friends and the teachers.”</p><p> </p><p>“will you show me how you dance and sing? i kinda do both as well.” </p><p> </p><p>kai’s eyes widen in shock, his sparkling little galaxy eyes making yeonjun giggle. kai made a joyous sound and giggles, wiggling and playing with yeonjun’s sleeve.</p><p> </p><p>“oh, of course, hyung! the next time we meet, we can definitely do that for sure,” the younger giggled, before he continues his happy noises and actions, making yeonjun laugh with utter delight and happiness. what a serotonin booster, huh? </p><p> </p><p>his heart thumps loudly and he hopes kai doesn’t notice how his cheeks heat up. he feels incredibly flushed and warm and giggly. he’s not even drunk this time, since the last time he went drinking was a few weeks ago for his company’s party, having a nice time with his colleagues and friends. the best time he had since he graduated. </p><p> </p><p>soon, they had to leave the restaurant and they managed to get each other’s numbers, and they went home after paying for their meals. on the way home, yeonjun thinks back to kai. he still seemed like a mystery, and he wants to discover what this boy is. yeonjun’s curiosity for the younger needs to be satisfied, but yeonjun decided to wait until kai is comfortable with him and is more trusting since, after all, they’re still just acquaintances at this time. </p><p> </p><p>well, at least yeonjun’s got something to look forward to. he smiles to himself as he sees kai’s text messages, thanking the older for letting him sit with him and have a great time. yeonjun chuckles at the influx of emojis, kaomojis, stickers, and cutesy typing styles. kai is endearing.</p><p> </p><p>he messages the boy back, telling him to stay safe and to take care of himself. yeonjun shuts down his phone and lets it charge as he kept working, but then he resorts to laying on the bed and watching some shitty heterosexual romance movies. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>why can’t i find really good gay romance movies? i hope i can find one to satisfy my gay fantasies. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>yeonjun sighs, turning off the laptop and deciding to take a rest, falling asleep and thinking of the sunshine boy that was huening kai. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <strong>ii. the night market where you glowed</strong> </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>the blond was feeling a little strange today, as he walked through the lit-up market and sat on a bench nearby. he wasn’t quite sure why kai wanted to meet up with him here, but he supposes it would be okay.</p><p> </p><p>yeonjun sighs softly as the cold winds get to him. thankfully, he was in a long, black coat with a matching turtleneck and jeans, his boots tied uniquely. he checks on the last message kai sent him, still waiting as he had just arrived. he felt nervous. why would he be nervous? why? it’s not even a fucking date, and why did <em>yeonjun</em>, out of all people, would consider that a simple time spent with his friend is a date? it’s not like he’s catching feelings for the younger boy. oh dear, it would be bad if that would be so. </p><p> </p><p>to sum it up, choi yeonjun was confused about what he should do with and to kai. he isn’t sure what’s gonna happen to them today or if they would have the same nervous energy around each other during the first time they ever met. yeonjun had no idea and kai was just so damn unpredictable sometimes. </p><p> </p><p><em>a unique and strange boy</em>, yeonjun thought to himself, <em>but still endearing all the same.</em></p><p> </p><p>his thoughts were interrupted and he heard a distant call of his own name. he turns to see the plushie-loving, cute, and surprisingly tall boy. the tall boy was decked in a simple large, white hoodie, black jeans, sneakers, and a wide smile.</p><p> </p><p>“yeonjunie hyung!” he yells a little too happily, grinning as he skips toward yeonjun and almost trips, but hey, at least yeonjun caught him in his arms. kai looks up at him and blushed a little, his little feather earring dangling and his rather messy hair facing the blond’s neat hair and silver piercings. </p><p> </p><p>“how are you, hyuka?” yeonjun laughs fondly as kai got up and sat beside the older, playing with the straps of his black backpack, “i-i’m doing well, hyung. how about you?” </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun shrugs and watches as kai scooted closer, not really familiar with this place and, really, he can only trust yeonjun in this situation. it made yeonjun swell with happiness and pride in himself as the younger gave his trust. <em>cute</em>.</p><p> </p><p>“i’m doing fine, i guess. work’s been annoying me lately, though, and i’m glad that you invited me.”</p><p> </p><p>“you..you don’t really mind it when i text you and just talk all we want, then?”</p><p> </p><p>the older almost saw some puppy eyes shining, peering through his soul, as if trying to find out some mystery he wants solved. yeonjun giggles and nods. kai elicited a happy noise as he rubs the older’s belly, calling him cute and blushing immediately afterwards. </p><p> </p><p><em>as if</em> he <em>isn’t the cutest one between us.</em></p><p> </p><p>yeonjun smiles a toothy grin, “so, what do you wanna do today?” kai stayed silent for a little while, and it concerned yeonjun a little as the silence continued for longer. nothing seemed like a primary focus at the moment as yeonjun waited for kai’s response, almost seeing a little battlefield in kai’s mind as the boy repeatedly rubs his lips and kicks his legs a little bit, and yeonjun peered curiously.</p><p> </p><p>“we..we can just..hang out, hyung. and get some nice food. and talk. although it seems like we’re at a very awkward vantage point right now,” kai chuckles nervously and applied some lip balm on his lips, sighing as he glanced back at yeonjun.</p><p> </p><p>“i guess that’s okay. you’re not doing anything related to uni today, aren’t you?”</p><p> </p><p>“..um..i’m supposed to be at home working on a report about how external factors can affect the minds of adolescent children. it’s an interesting subject but i’m not in the mood to start working on it right now. i..sort of just want to hang out right now.”</p><p> </p><p>“wow, your honesty amazes me,” yeonjun remarks as kai smiles a little awkwardly and helps yeonjun stand up, following him. kai’s cheeks turned into a soft pink, and yeonjun could not get over at how fucking adorable he is. wordlessly, they walked together around the market, finding some nice stalls. the tension between them is..surprising, considering that they’ve been chatting for a few weeks and its been exactly four weeks since they shared a table at that fated restaurant. </p><p> </p><p>(everytime yeonjun passes by that restaurant on the way home, his heart does flips as he remembers kai’s awkward energy around him before slowly getting comfortable in each other’s presence, even though they aren’t really close yet, even if they're friends for a few weeks already.)</p><p> </p><p>they stopped by a stall where a vendor sells yummy <em>tteokbokki</em> and egg-related foods that yeonjun knows is famous in this particular night market. and he smiles, seeing kai’s eyes light up at the sight of the yummy <em>gyeranppang</em> and he looks at yeonjun. </p><p> </p><p>“hyung, hyung, let’s buy this one!” kai excitedly says, and yeonjun laughs and nods as he watches kai squeal in delight and buy the sacred food as he pays for his own food. yeonjun looks back at kai who eats on the eggy delight with such a youthful mirth in his eyes. the blond’s heart skips a beat as kai smiles sheepishly, apologizing for the sudden outburst because of the yummy treat, taking the older’s hand. </p><p> </p><p>“it’s okay, hyuka. we can buy the snacks that you want.”</p><p> </p><p>“but— but hyung, how about you..? you can buy for yourself, too.”</p><p> </p><p>ah. here goes puppy kai again, with his sparkling eyes and his rather signature pout, his face literally embodying the pleading emoji that the younger frequently uses. yeonjun tries to mask his rather obvious blush with a cute, toothy grin and adjusts the way his coat is worn. </p><p> </p><p>“don’t worry about hyung. i already ate lots while waiting for you; we can just spend time if you’d like. i wouldn’t mind being with you for the whole night until we get back home. your company’s nice.” </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun would have winced on how cheesy he was if he were talking to someone else, but he felt like this was the only way to go for when talking to kai. and..it feels nice. it was a k-drama scene where two people slowly fall in love with each other, the silence consuming them, but it was comfortable. kai had a soft smile decorating his features as he simply nodded at yeonjun and he giggles softly. the older swears that he had seen kai blush under the soft glow of the lanterns. </p><p> </p><p>they walk around, talking and eating food as they went by the rather large marketplace. it was kinda getting crowded, so they stuck together (as per kai’s request; he didn’t want to get lost), holding hands and laughing as they bump on each other as the crowd increases. they finally managed to find a nice, quiet spot where they ate some of the snacks they bought and sat down.</p><p> </p><p>“i didn’t expect that there would be lots of people in this hour. i guess they like it here,” yeonjun remarked as he looked around the bustling area and there were several stalls and lanterns that were lit up, illuminating the once dark plaza into a bright one. it reminded yeonjun of his childhood, roaming around his town, playing around as his mother watched him fondly with a soft smile. </p><p> </p><p>kai shrugs as he drank his orangeade and chuckles at the older’s words, “well, it <em>is</em> sort of like a hideout for the people who are done with the stuff they need to do. they come here to have a nice time and destress with the help of food.”</p><p> </p><p>he exhales as he leans back on the bench that they were sitting on, letting go of the weight he had carried earlier. yeonjun follows suit and looks over at kai, who seemed to be contemplating something deeply, and decides to not disturb him further and let kai in peace. he did some contemplating on his own as well.</p><p> </p><p>silence befalls them. another comforting one, in fact. it was one of the most favorite things that yeonjun has ever experienced— the comforting silence between you and another person you are not awkward with. yeonjun thinks that one of the perks of being friends with kai is that his presence alone is enough to brighten his day and make it ten times even better when he started it. he’s a walking sunshine, yeonjun concludes, and yet, he still doesn’t really know much about his “friend” of his.</p><p> </p><p>he can’t read kai well. it’s all jumbled up and mixed and everything messy in between. he doesn’t exactly know what kai would be thinking or what kai was actually feeling, since he manages to hide it so <em>goddamn</em> well. yeonjun isn’t sure if he can figure out how to make out kai’s strange energy, but he can try solving it if he tries enough.</p><p> </p><p>yeonjun looks over to kai, to find the boy looking at him as well. they stare at each other for a few moments, before kai looks away, sighing softly.</p><p> </p><p>“sorry, hyung..i was lost in my thoughts for a moment.”</p><p> </p><p>“you don’t have to apologize..it’s okay.” </p><p> </p><p>kai looks back, and yeonjun faintly notices a glint in kai’s eyes. something..something about a distant longing, but he doesn’t know why. it almost felt familiar for a second, but yeonjun doesn’t pay any mind at all.</p><p> </p><p>but even so, he was curious about the boy and what he’s thinking, but he'll put it aside just this once, as they walked home to kai’s apartment and laughing as they shared stories about their lives, like how yeonjun’s coworker managed to fire their mean boss in the most spectacular way or how kai witnessed an amazing prank that included betrayal and lots, and lots of screaming and reprimands from their teacher. their laughter filled up the sweet night, and as yeonjun went home after parting ways with kai, he exhales as his cheeks went red and he felt so many things for the taller, cuter, and younger boy. </p><p> </p><p>he’s in deep shit right now. he breathes, trying to calm himself, but his mind reels back to the angel that is kai kamal huening, and somehow, he wishes that he isn’t some demon with deer horns that torments the young boy. </p><p> </p><p>oh, how he wishes that this could be easier to deal with, but these fleeting emotions of choi yeonjun keeps him awake at night as he thinks about the future if he were to tell kai, but for now, he will simply push them all down into a box to throw away when the time was right. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <strong>iii. our little convenience store</strong> </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun was tired. </p><p> </p><p>he’s tired of crying every now and then at night all because of his fucking feelings.</p><p> </p><p>he’s told wooyoung about how he feels. a friend of his. and xe told yeonjun some truths that he had to accept, and it was anything but nice. it hurt him so much that he might hurt himself and kai in the process. </p><p> </p><p>wooyoung told him that he won’t get anywhere when he pushes away his feelings. once, xe said, that xe fell for someone xe liked but xe didn’t tell him about xyr feelings, and now, xe has to deal with how xyr crush had found someone else that xe loves and that xe can’t accept the fact that they can’t be together.</p><p> </p><p>“don’t just hide it, yeonjun-ssi,” wooyoung told him through the phone, voice crackled due to the speaker setting. “you <em>have</em> to tell kai that you love him. sooner or later, it will just hurt you.”</p><p> </p><p>“wooyoung..i can’t. i can’t just tell him like that, out of the blue, that i like him. i don’t want to be a burden to him and the fact that he’s already going through a lot is just- i don’t want to hurt him.”</p><p> </p><p>by this point, yeonjun was crying softly in the call. it had been a few minutes (or hours, the blond couldn’t remember) and he could already see wooyoung’s frown and xe sighs.</p><p> </p><p>“hey. don’t cry anymore. would kai like it if he saw you cry because of this? i know how sweet that guy is, since innie and hyunjin tell me that he’s nice and all that good shit.”</p><p> </p><p>a huff of breath.</p><p> </p><p>“try and think about it first,” xe said, and he hears ruffling sounds. “always remember that you should take your time onto decide if this is right or not. you can always decide if doing this will benefit you or not. i know it’s gonna be hard, but trust me. either way, you’ll be fine. you have me, san, changbin, and the others. don’t put too much worry on this because you’ll do just fine, yeonjun.” </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun sniffles and whimpered a little, as a result of his overflowing tears. wooyoung coos softly and xe chuckles, “you can cry it all out, that’s okay. we can end the call and you can think about this. always tell any of us if you need anything, hm?”</p><p> </p><p>“o-okay, wooyoung-ah. thanks f-for picking up and listening. i was scared..”</p><p> </p><p>“hey. it’s fine. i’d rather burden myself than to let you suffer alone.”</p><p> </p><p>yeonjun can practically hear xem smile from the phone, even if the two of them are miles away and haven’t seen each other for months. it makes yeonjun smile, too, knowing that he isn’t alone in this and that there is someone who is willing to listen and share the experience xe had with xyr own feelings. it’s amazing how there are people who have been through something similar and it’s comforting him.</p><p> </p><p>soon, his call with wooyoung ended and he is left alone in the dark of his apartment and he starts sobbing.</p><p> </p><p>a few days ago, somehow, kai was in the same convenience store that yeonjun usually dines in. it was a little surreal, he’s not gonna lie about a thing like that- but he still watched as kai ordered just a bowl of icecream that was usually made by that middle-aged guy that runs the store. and kai saw him and everything just kind of fell into place as their eyes met, and the younger instantly brightens up when he saw yeonjun and went to sit beside him, and it felt like the convenience store lit up even though it was kinda dim because of the night. kai, as usual, started the conversation.</p><p> </p><p>“oh? you’re here, too.”</p><p> </p><p>brightness was even in his voice, and there is a reason why yeonjun has him saved in his contacts as “shimmering shining hueningie” and..yep. it’s very clear how yeonjun had fallen deep for the boy’s obvious brightness, and it was shocking, but not in a bad way.</p><p> </p><p>yeonjun chuckled at kai’s enthusiasm and smiles softly, trying to not look obvious enough about his affections for the other boy. he didn’t remember what they had talked about, but he knows it was something related to their own individual problems that have been plaguing them since they have last seen each other. kai talked about how he was a writer in the fandom he’s in and people who make content like him for that fandom are slandered because of reasons unknown.</p><p> </p><p>“do you have an idea on why they’re trying to destroy you and your fellow writers’ works or ideas or, just- anything?” yeonjun asked in a hushed voice, even if they were left alone by the owner of the shop for privacy, since it was pretty late in the evening anyways.</p><p> </p><p>kai shook his head as his eyes were brimming with tears. he knows that kai hasn’t cried in a while because he was strong and was stable enough to not do so often. but..even so..yeonjun feels so far away from kai at the same time because of how he probably can’t help kai in this situation.</p><p> </p><p>“i..i don’t know, hyung. since the fandom i’m in has particularly gay works because of this boy group i like, the fans <em>should</em> be able to be like, “oh, this is gay and it’s cool” and all that, right? but most of the time, they just fetishize them and use them in their fantasies, just focusing on the physicality instead of the emotionality of the relationship. and—” kai chuckles, “and it’s ironic how homophobic they are but consume gay media written by allies or by known lgbt+ content creators. it goes for..practically all fandoms who have writers that are struggling. it’s really- it just- it sucks, hyung. i don’t wanna deal with this when other problems are piling up on my shoulders and i obviously can’t carry them flawlessly like how atlas carries the earth.”</p><p> </p><p>silence was passed on between them and he watches as kai wipes away any unshed tears of his own and sighs softly. yeonjun hesitantly took kai’s hand and caressed it, hoping he could provide some comfort about this for kai.</p><p> </p><p>yeonjun smiles sadly, his growing pink hair blocking his eyes a little, which were also brimming with tears, “it’s..it’s hard for you and others. you’re merely a human. you can’t possibly write works often since, of course, you’re literally planning for how you’re life’s gonna be even if you know well enough on how fucking unpredictable it is.”</p><p> </p><p>kai snickers at the statement while yeonjun hits his arm, “what? it’s the truth!”</p><p> </p><p>“i know, i know, hyung. but please..continue.”</p><p> </p><p>yeonjun giggles as his thumb caressed a part of kai’s hand, continuing, “anyways, but the thing about those, right, is to <em>not listen to them, even if it might bug the hell out of you</em>. you can get hurt and cry and scream, it’s okay for you to do that. but please, remember that there are people who genuinely love you for who you are and love your works, okay? you can do this.”</p><p> </p><p>kai stares at yeonjun for a minute before sniffling softly and looking down. the older coos and wipes away kai’s tears as his heart breaks by the sight of the boy crying softly under the dim lights. he does his best in comforting him and rubs his shoulder affectionately. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“no, hueningie..it’s okay. it’s okay. you’ll be okay. i’m here with you, hm? this isn’t the end of the world. those people are just part of what the universe places in order to see who truly is strong and brave. we all vary in those terms, and especially other categories as well. you’re doing great, so don’t worry about it too much ‘cause i’m here for you.”</p><p> </p><p>kai nods and hugs yeonjun close, sobbing softly and yeonjun pouts, patting his head and cradling kai. this feels..nice.</p><p> </p><p>the younger took a few moments to regain himself and momentarily chokes on his sobs, “t-thank you, yeonjun hyung. i really- i really don’t know what to do without you. you comfort me so well and..i’m glad we met, hyung.”</p><p> </p><p>kai pulls away from the hug and smiles through his tears, and giggles softly. yeonjun pats his head and coos, pinching his cheek and kai swats him away, causing both of them to laugh.</p><p> </p><p>“you’re always welcome, huening-ah. just message hyung whenever you need it, okay? or call me.”</p><p> </p><p>“but aren’t you busy these days?”</p><p> </p><p>well, that was half-true. he is busy with work, but at the same time, he isn’t, because he took the time off to <em>actually</em> rest. but, then again, he doesn’t know what to do because he still has some things to catch up on. he sighs.</p><p> </p><p>“maybe? i’ll say maybe. i honestly don’t know because i’m..”</p><p> </p><p>kai chuckles and smiles softly, “hyung, it’s fine. just by the fact that you’re willing to let me take your time is..nice. and comforting, of course.”</p><p> </p><p>yeonjun smiles his cute, toothy grin and his eyes were full of mirth and joy. he hopes that kai sees it as bright as his own, even though yeonjun knows that he was merely a shadow against kai’s bright, radiant self. it was just an honor for him to be able to meet kai and become close with him even as months and days had passed since their first meeting. it was nothing sort of..beautiful to see this boy glow and shine so brightly like nothing would ever dim his lights. but, of course, it isn’t perfect. yeonjun thinks that the lights were just a mask or- or a facade that kai uses to become someone he wanted to be.</p><p> </p><p>of course, yeonjun doesn’t care. he understands why kai used lights and why people see him as bright. and yeonjun still sees kai as the sweetest, most gentle, as most bubbly person he knows. everything he feels about kai is something he hasn’t felt in a very long time, and he doesn’t even know what its called. he doesn’t know, but he does know that there’s something between him and kai that would not be considered platonic. he knows that, and it terrifies him to think of that.</p><p> </p><p>he has friends who are gay, after all. he has jiwon and sihyeon, who are engaged and their wedding was called off because of how busy they both are. he also has soobin, a childhood friend of his who somehow knows who kai is even before when they met. it’s just that- he doesn’t really understand what’s going on and it confuses him so much and causes him to be so frustrated and scared and- just- <em>everything</em>. </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun curls up on his cold bed, the air cold even with the heater on and the electric fans off. he grabs his blanket and shivers, sobbing softly to himself. he vaguely remembers how kai would sometimes visit and hug him as a greeting. ‘<em>it’s my way of greeting my friends,</em>’ kai said once. but he hopes that kai would be here to comfort him. </p><p> </p><p>and yet, he would make things worse for the both of them.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>                    </p><p> </p><p>                        </p><p>
  <em> <strong>iv. baskin-robbins? baskin-robbins.</strong> </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>every passing day kept getting worse, and he needed a release. he blasts some heartbreaking music, ignoring how his younger sister complained and whined at how loud it is. </p><p> </p><p>kai didn't care. </p><p> </p><p>lately, the comments have been worse. everything feels like it's all going downhill. like..everything could just end with one more mistake. he already deactivated his account, but it's just too much for kai. the passing days have been stressful thanks to school and his own issues, and these odd hints and feelings were growing towards a specific hyung whose hair was newly-dyed into a soft, cotton candy pink. </p><p> </p><p>it's all so..strange to him. they were feelings he was acquainted to, but— but it didn't seem <em>right</em> for him. why is he like this to a friend? a <em>guy</em> to be exact? he knows that there would be people who would obviously rattle him out and spiral out of control, giving him hate and let him suffer. </p><p> </p><p>he sighs. why must this world be cruel? why can't he become the Ultimate Plushie Collector instead? why can't he experience a class trial and vote someone out and win the game but with a price? at the very least, he could be a nanami chiaki in a world full of ishimaru kiyotakas. </p><p> </p><p>(not that it's exactly bad, though. kiyotaka is amazing, he's just referring to how there are people <em>like</em> him, but are mean and toxic as shit.) </p><p> </p><p>it's hard. truly. especially for a youth like him to experience all of these sad (and, truthfully, draining) moments in life is really...weird. </p><p> </p><p>anyways, let's continue. </p><p> </p><p>kai sat on his bed, scrolling through instagram. he rarely posts there, but whatever. he sees pictures of his friends enjoying their lives, posting about their interests and things like that. </p><p> </p><p>and he landed on someone's picture in particular: yeonjun. </p><p> </p><p>choi yeonjun. he's this office worker for a clothing company who is also a dance teacher and sings— for fun, the older says, but kai knows that it wasn’t the case and it may be rare for him to <em>actually</em> sing, but <em>damn</em>, his voice was good. blessed by the angels of heaven indeed. </p><p> </p><p>(don't tell the others, but kai thinks yeonjun's voice is better than the singing voice of the female choristers at their school choir.) </p><p> </p><p>kai stares at the picture of yeonjun by a mirror, wearing a navy(?) beret, a striped sweater, and red and white stomper shoes. he looked <em>good</em>. wait, that's an understatement. kai doesn't know how to describe how attractive yeonjun looked. heck, he can't even <em>scale</em> his attraction to yeonjun from 1-10. </p><p> </p><p>it's too much. but it makes him think…</p><p> </p><p>a few months ago, he's met this incredibly good-looking and very nice guy. yeonjun. and as the days passed as they talked and called and screamed over games and video-called..kai's been feeling weird. </p><p> </p><p>like, <em>really</em> weird. a gray kind of weird. something along those lines. it wasn't bad, but it wasn't good, either. it made kai torn about his decisions and thoughts inside his own soul. what is going on? </p><p> </p><p>the last time they ever met up in-person was when they coincidentally met at the convenience store, just by the street and near the dark alleyway. and kai had one of his (many) worst day/s of his life. everything went to shit and it overwhelmed him so much that he needed to rest and announce that he would be on hiatus, but he ended up deactivating it, unannounced, and sooner than usual due to pressure. he lied that it's because of school, but in reality, it's because of his growing pains. </p><p> </p><p>he was glad yeonjun was there. he was glad that he trusted yeonjun well enough to open up to him bravely, at 12:43 am in their little convenience store, eating ramen at the dim lights, coating the rather small and cramped convenience store in an odd light that was otherwise comforting. </p><p> </p><p>he could remember yeonjun's soft, fond smile, and those eyes that were sparkling, as they were the constellations he remembers wanting to find and see for himself. yeonjun's tender touches with his calloused fingers from typing and writing and dancing reminded him of the warm blankets he'd steal from his friends at sleepovers and wake up completely warm in the morning. everything about yeonjun was so imperfectly beautiful. it <em>baffles</em> kai how someone like this could exist. </p><p> </p><p>kai feels inferior when compared to him. i mean, yeonjun has it all. he has a nice amount of money, good looks, a decent job that he complains about, and the charms and charisma. while kai? he just has an abrupt, tall stature, bowed legs, pretty much someone not really fitting into a society so pressurizing to look “perfect” or to look “gorgeous.”</p><p> </p><p>no one can be perfect, of course, kai knows that. but..being someone considered gorgeous? beautiful? it's unheard of. and he's envious of the fact that yeonjun gets a lot of compliments for..anything. from his dancing to his singing and to just— just— <em>anything</em> and <em>everything</em>. </p><p> </p><p>he’s kind of glad that his brain suddenly decided that he’s gonna experience some weird, complicated feelings that he only ever felt toward yeonjun. and he won’t ever tell the older. why would he, anyways? it’ll be useless. yeonjun wouldn’t reciprocate those feelings to him and it’s just a..waste of time. why would he take yeonjun’s time just to tell him that he has unfiltered, raw, and real feelings that kai feels about him? it’s just—</p><p> </p><p>kai sighs softly, before turning off his music. he decided to just..relax today. he doesn’t want to worry about things that could ruin his life. </p><p> </p><p>(even though he does that every single second of his life.)</p><p> </p><p>he got dressed in his mickey mouse sweater and some acid washed jeans and a cute belt. he brushed his hair and decided to hide his dark circles and his imperfections from the world via makeup, giving his skin some concealers and foundations, topping it all off with cherry lip balm he’s stolen from his big sister. he surveys himself in the mirror and sighs. this’ll do. </p><p> </p><p>kai grabbed his bag and placed his phone, wallet, the small and squishy molang fidget toy he bought for himself, the aforementioned lip balm, and the coupon for the place he’s about to go to. </p><p> </p><p>soon enough, he left their house and walks to the nearby ice cream store, feeling the cold wind biting him, even if he’s wearing a padded jacket and some gloves. he exhales, an icy breath appearing after he exhaled from his lips. it was cold, oddly so. he just feels like everything consumes him. and so, he needs to consume something, too.</p><p> </p><p>and that is baskin-robbins. </p><p> </p><p>he enters the store and greets the cashier with a smile and orders his usual ice cream- raspberry sorbet. and, obviously, some mint chocolate mixed in as well. he waits for the ice cream on the furthest seat from the door, wanting to distance himself from the other customers entering. he pulls out his phone and decided to play with the games he had, checking if there was kittens that was playing with their goodies in his fictional yard. he pouts when no one was in there, so he switched to another app.</p><p> </p><p>the bell rang as his order was done and ready to serve. kai got up and placed his belongings on his seat and went to get it, and he felt a hand on his waist, leaning on his back. the familiar, musky perfume scent made kai’s heart race. he knows who this is.</p><p> </p><p>“i’ll get the same order as him.”</p><p> </p><p>kai just knows that the man smiled as he spoke, and kai turns to smile softly. what are the odds of them meeting as kai doubted everything about his feelings, the happenings, and..just..a lot.</p><p> </p><p>yeonjun smiles at him as they wordlessly went to their seat, and yeonjun leans on the chair and he giggles, hiding his face, “oh my god, kai, i didn’t expect to see you here.” his cheeks were visibly red and his eyes were smiling, shining like distant stars; a complete opposite of his mood earlier when getting the ice cream.</p><p> </p><p>the younger decided to eat his ice cream and look away from yeonjun. fuck. since he’s here..it could make things a little worse. kai wanted some alone time but- but yeonjun was here and he always makes things feel better. he didn’t like this. fuck.</p><p> </p><p>he stays silent as yeonjun rested on the chair, waiting for his order and he focuses on the yummy taste of his raspberry sorbet and mint chocolate. <em>this is heaven</em>, kai thinks to himself. <em>it’s so good. i could eat this forever</em>. he eats and wills himself to take a glance at what yeonjun’s doing.</p><p> </p><p>the older was texting somebody, lips pursed into a focused pout as usual, brows furrowed and kai took the time to relish the fact that yeonjun’s pink hair with yellow and blue highlights grew longer and was tied almost like a bun. he wasn’t wearing any makeup unlike kai, and he was still handsome.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>oh fuck, my dear heart, please do not fuck this up for me. you too, you messy clusterfuck of a mind—</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“kai? what’s wrong?” yeonjun asked, their eyes locking and kai flinches slightly. yeonjun stared at him that way, and he smiles knowingly, “were you..staring at how pretty i am?”</p><p> </p><p>“shut up, hyung,” kai said, cheeks getting red, glaring at him as yeonjun took a bite of his newly-arrived mint chocolate and raspberry sorbet ice cream. yeonjun laughs as the mint chocolate slightly went to the corner of his lips, his plump, rosy lips.</p><p> </p><p>yeonjun smiles, giggling, “the council has spoken and has told me to shut up! wow, this is cool.” this prompted kai to hit his shoulder lightly and it made both of them laugh. it was pretty nice, if you asked kai, but he couldn’t help himself to still think of those possibilities that lies between the two boys, and it scares kai. it truly does. he brushes it off, for once, because he just wanted to remember this moment as a nice, heartwarming and comforting moment for himself.</p><p> </p><p>“um, anyways, hyung. how did you know this place? i didn’t really mention it much to you, and besides..you don’t live here by this neighborhood.” </p><p> </p><p>kai scratched his nape in his awkward state, looking away from yeonjun to drink his water bottle that he also bought in the store. he watched as yeonjun's expression change into something bright and cheery, and he smiles, giggling. </p><p> </p><p>“oh, you know, i was visiting a friend nearby, i guess. he had me buy baskin-robbins for him and his boyfriend. i bet they're cuddling right now.” </p><p> </p><p>he rolls his eyes annoyingly and kai giggles, having an instant idea of who this is. he might have a childhood friend who fell in love with his enemy and his childhood friend <em>really</em> loves baskin-robbins… </p><p> </p><p>kai smiles, “well, make sure to buy their ice cream. don't keep them waiting cause they sent you for a reason. who knows, maybe they just wanted you out in order to, like, i dunno, make out or something.” he grins a little evilly at that, knowing that yeonjun’s definitely shocked.</p><p> </p><p>“w-what—” </p><p> </p><p>“anyways—”</p><p> </p><p>they broke out again into laughter after seconds of silence as they giggled and laughed and kai just feels like yeonjun <em>really</em> does wash away the worrying thoughts he has harboring in his mind. oh, how he wished that nothing bad would ever invade his mind and how he wanted to solely focus on yeonjun. but, of course, this won’t be the case.</p><p> </p><p>the two talked a lot, even after they finished their ice creams and went out to walk around. kai was holding onto his fidget toy, playing with the molang’s ears and hands, squishing it. he was still a nervous wreck after seeing so many people. his hands were full of tremors even as he squeezed the toy. yeonjun looked at it and smiles. </p><p> </p><p>“..that's a cute choice for a fidget toy,” yeonjun comments softly, making sure no one but kai could hear him say that. kai's cheeks visibly got warmer and he looks down. </p><p> </p><p>“w-well, my big sister suggested me to buy it in case i have..you know. those times. it kinda runs in the family, i guess..?” kai explained, and he squeaked, hiding his ashamed expression. </p><p> </p><p><em>well, this is certainly a strange place to tell your friend that you're having </em>those<em> kinds of problems. </em></p><p> </p><p>after a few <strike>dreadful</strike> moments, yeonjun giggles and patted the younger's head, smiling. </p><p> </p><p>“you know i won't judge you for that, right? that's just a normal thing, you know, meeting someone like you. i have a few friends that are like you, but with different needs of course.” </p><p> </p><p>kai looked up and his eyes brighten. oh? he could.. he could potentially have a friend that may or may not have the same issues as him? he momentarily tears up, but he holds it back. they're still in public, somehow, and people are passing by as they talk. </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun nodded and smiles at kai, knowing what must be going in his mind, and pinched his cheek, calling him a cutie before they resumed their walk, basking in a comfy silence. </p><p> </p><p>the breeze of the upcoming winter bites kai a little, and he subconsciously clings onto yeonjun, exhaling a soft huff of breath. </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun chuckles and pulls kai closer by the waist, his cheeks getting impossibly warmer, while yeonjun giggled. “stay close to me, ningning.” </p><p> </p><p>wh- what?! did he just..make up a nickname for him? kai's heart swells a little, both with longing and happiness. </p><p> </p><p>“i-if you say so, hyung. damn..i should have dressed more warmly.” </p><p> </p><p>“i think that's fine. it's not even <em>that</em> cold yet, so you'll be okay for now. just try to, like, endure a little more.”</p><p> </p><p>“hm..okay..” </p><p> </p><p>his tone got softer as he could clearly see the caring intent yeonjun was carrying, and he smiles. if only he could bask in this moment forever.. </p><p> </p><p>oh well. i guess that the blissful moments are ending sooner than he would have liked. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <strong>v. samgyeopsal hangouts and mistakes</strong> </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>kai got a text from yeonjun, a few days after they parted ways from that coincidental meet-up at the baskin-robbins store. he remembers glaring at the phone's brightness, as his lights were already off as he was looking at it. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>jjunie noona ♡: hey there, ningning! soobin says that we're invited to this samgyeop hangout </em>
</p><p> </p><p>..when did soobin start planning hangouts? as far as he's concerned, it's usually his half-sister arin who would plan hangouts and such. or maybe his friend, daehwi. nevertheless, he types an answer.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>hueningie is cute &gt;3&lt;: ohhh?? all of a sudden?? thats weird of him ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>jjunie noona ♡: lmao ikr ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ i was surprised too, he said he wanted all five of us to hang out before we all lock ourselves again in our houses thanks to winter being a bitch </em>
</p><p> </p><p>if you're wondering, yeonjun doesn't usually swear when he speaks. but when he messages someone, he does. or maybe when he's alone with people he trusts. was it because of repressed feelings? or something else? kai wouldn't think about this right now. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>hueningie is cute &gt;3&lt;: five???? O_o</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>jjunie noona ♡: oh, yeah </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>jjunie noona ♡: you havent met beomgyu before, right?? he's a guitarist in this band and he's a close friend of mine</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>jjunie noona ♡: he's also one of the friends i mentioned a couple days ago!!!!! hehe </em>
</p><p> </p><p>kai couldn't just turn down the offer to meet new people. it scares him a little, but he knows that it'll be fine, ‘cause he has yeonjin to comfort him. </p><p> </p><p>the “hangout” was scheduled at the following weekend, so kai had to prepare in secret so that his mom won't scold him or something. he might have stolen some cash from lea and bahiyyih, but they didn't know thanks to kai's stealth skills. </p><p> </p><p>(he's proud of this fact. The Ultimate Stealer? more likely than you think.)  </p><p> </p><p>anyways, let's go to his present state. you see, he's actually trying to calm himself down. he's already dressed in his attire, but he can't bring himself to calm down. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>it's just a hang-out with your friends, yeonjun hyung, and this guy who's apparently like you. it's okay.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>he breathes deeply, hiding his face with his hands as he focuses on remembering what bahiyyih would say to him in this situation. oh, bless her soul, she's amazing. aside from her prankster antics and her chaotic energy, he's glad that he has her back when it comes to things like this. </p><p> </p><p>he repeated those comforting words his little sister would say in a situation like this for a few more minutes before he went to grab his bag full of the stuff he needs and going out his room, announcing to him mom that he'll be out for a bit. </p><p> </p><p>(“make sure to call us when you need anything,” she calls out, before kai rolls his eyes and shuts the front door behind him.) </p><p> </p><p>when he got out of his house, he walks to the place where yeonjun would wait for him. it was not that far, and he exhales in some sort of relief; winter is coming. actually, it has already come, and it crawls through his skin and invades it with the coldness. this could be a recipe for disaster. kai’s just glad that he has enough warm clothes and sweaters and all those clothes you need in winter, and he could survive another winter day. he <em>hopes</em> he could.</p><p> </p><p>kai warms up his hands and spots a pouting, pink-haired boy with his hair tied in a short ponytail in the middle, seemingly about to throw a tantrum. he smiles and walks to the older guy, before ultimately pinching his cheek.</p><p> </p><p>“did yeonjunie hyung wait for me?~ that’s so sweet!” kai cooed, proceeding to pinch both cheeks. he notices how his cheeks are even softer and more mochi-like than before. yeonjun whined and stomps his foot, pouting even more. his nose was slightly red due to the cold and his cheeks were warm. cute.</p><p> </p><p>the older pouts more, “shut up! we’re almost late, hueningie. i think we’re the only ones that are not there in the samgyeopsal restaurant.” yeonjun grabs kai’s hand — possibly out of habit — and huffs as they hail for a bus. they sit beside each other on the bus seat and kai exhales, wrapping his right hand on his left thumb and squeezed them before doing the same to his other fingers. yeonjun seems to catch what he was doing and shook his head, taking kai’s hand and massages it gently. </p><p> </p><p>why is yeonjun doing this? how can the older read him so well? it just confuses kai even more, but it certainly does calm him down greatly. he breathes evenly, before a smile tugged onto yeonjun’s plump, rosy lips. kai could feel his heart pound at that moment. </p><p> </p><p>“so, ningning,” yeonjun started, “how are you feeling? you aren’t too cold, right?” the boy shook his head, gripping the other’s hand. yeonjun hums, “good. the place we’re going to has really great heaters, so you’ll be fine.” </p><p> </p><p>he smiles once again and kai could’ve sworn that yeonjun would know the secrets of the universe. or, perhaps, he was the universe itself - mysterious but comforting. sometimes full of chaos. but he likes it. kai smiles back shyly and interlocks their hands together. </p><p> </p><p>“o-okay. have you been there before? in that place, i mean.” kai tries his best to sound as natural and relaxed as possible. his nerves are still spiking slightly at the moment, but yeonjun goes with it. <em>thank goodness someone understands half of what i am.</em></p><p> </p><p>“sure, i guess. a couple of times in high school and much more in college. that place’s specialty is their samgyeopsal, but they also do other kinds of food as well. really yummy! it’s worth the shot, kai.” </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun chuckles softly and he shrugs, giving kai a little more space to breathe, and he didn’t let go of kai’s hand the whole bus ride. kai hopes that yeonjun doesn’t notice that his cheeks were warm the whole time, and it’s not because of the heater or the cold or anything like that. it’s something you should have noticed already, but it’s okay if you haven’t. </p><p> </p><p>once they got off, kai was gripping yeonjun’s hand tightly, but yeonjun just chuckled, “breathe, huening-ah. you’ll be fine. there’s not a lot of people out here.” </p><p> </p><p>a few moments was all it took for kai to nod and exhale, tightening his grip on yeonjun's bumpy, calloused hand. they went inside the restaurant, the large, neon letters with the words <strong>BLUE HOUR</strong> shined, even as they were inside. </p><p> </p><p>the interior was splendid. it was a mix of various styles and it harmonized really well. walls were seemingly hand-painted. they were depicting personifications of the moon and sun holding hands even apart, a girl with black hair riding on a dragon with a small lizard on her shoulder with the blueish pink sky shimmering as they soared to an unknown destination. </p><p> </p><p>kai feels at ease. </p><p> </p><p>he hears his name being called, and it was taehyun. they were smiling from ear to ear, their blond hair a little wavy. maybe soobin styled it, although kai doubts that. and speaking of soobin, he was clinging on taehyun, immersed in this game as his significant other smiles fondly, ruffling his hair with their hand. there was also another boy who sat across them; dark brown, fluffy hair with large eyes, cute nose and lips, and possibly the warmest and fluffiest cardigan he's ever seen. </p><p> </p><p>he smiles awkwardly and bows to him when the boy notices his presence, “h-hello. i'm huening kai. you..you must be choi beomgyu, right?” </p><p> </p><p>beomgyu smiles and nodded, bowing as well from his seat as kai hesitantly sat beside him and yeonjun went across him. </p><p> </p><p>“yeah. that's me. yeonjun hyung said something, huh?” there was a hint of smugness and confidence from this guy, but also a puppy-like vibe that made kai want to protect him. </p><p> </p><p>kai shrugs and chuckles, still trying to warm up to him, “just the basics,” and he glanced at yeonjun who was smiling softly and giggling, happy that the two might be getting along. he then orders their food, already knowing what they want, and kai tries his best to engage in a conversation with him. </p><p> </p><p>so far, everything's pretty nice. it's cozy, since all five of them are familiar with each other (somehow — taehyun's still a little wary of the guy for some reason) and they feel comfy here, in the corner of the restaurant as customers pooled in and the sound of grilling and cheers and drinks filled the restaurant. </p><p> </p><p>(it reminds him of the first time he met yeonjun, months ago.) </p><p> </p><p>to be quite honest, he was glad yeonjun invited him to this hang-out thing that soobin did. everything made him feel better of some insecurities, and the conversations he had with all of them kind of made kai's cheeks hurt a little. and that's one big achievement. he hasn't smiled or laughed or joked as freely as he wanted to, without judgement. </p><p> </p><p>his heart warms up, and he glanced at yeonjun and sees that he was whispering something to soobin, and they giggled. kai smiles at them before taking out his molang fidget toy and squeaks it, playing with it as he converses with beomgyu, who has his own little journal to write into when his anxieties start to take over. </p><p> </p><p>“i write lyrics,” he says, showing kai the plethora of lyrics and notes, smiling proudly. “since i'm sort of a front man in our band, i take the chance to improve writing lyrics! or anything in general to be honest.” </p><p> </p><p>the younger boy giggles, “that's so cool, hyung!” he momentarily takes a bite of the samgyeopsal that taehyun served. taehyun laughs and they smile. </p><p> </p><p>“kai, don't finish them all! soobin hyung still needs to eat,” they teased, and soobin hit their shoulder and chastised pocket for pockets teasing. a fond but teasing smile was on taehyun's face. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>i swear to god, i'm fifth wheeling them again this time. when will this ever end… </em>
</p><p> </p><p>he sighs and pouts before he eats some side dishes and drinks his water, wiping his lips with his thumb. </p><p> </p><p>he didn't seem to notice yeonjun staring at him a little longer than usual. beomgyu grins when he noticed, and kai blushed madly. </p><p> </p><p>“u-um..hyung?” he asked in a small voice. yeonjun tilts his head and giggles softly, squishing his cheek slightly. “hm? what is it?” </p><p> </p><p>“y-you were staring..” he mumbles. yeonjun doesn't respond, but tucked a strand of kai's hair behind his ear wordlessly, letting his touch linger before he pulled away. it was kai's turn to stare back, and his cheeks were warm. </p><p> </p><p>it was not the heaters’ fault this time. or the hot packs. </p><p> </p><p>kai coughs awkwardly and looks away, and yeonjun was still smiling. <em>damn bastard. why is he so pretty? </em></p><p> </p><p>he decided to fall silent, as he doesn't really know what to talk about. he's glad that they let him be, though, but they never forgot to include him in case they needed opinions from him, and he carries those words with a soft smile. </p><p> </p><p>once they were done, yeonjun stretches a little and grins. he suggests that they go to a noraebang, and it piqued kai. huh. interesting. </p><p> </p><p>“are you sure you want to spend more money for singing, hyung?” soobin inquires as they walk out from the restaurant, with taehyun clinging on soobin's arm, and kai lagging behind beomgyu. </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun scoffs and grins, “i have enough of that, soobin-ah. and besides, i'll be paying for all the stuff we're gonna get. as..thanks.” </p><p> </p><p>“wow hyung, you're so kind! i just literally saw you almost make soobin hyung scream thanks to him teasing you,” kai says sarcastically, giggling. </p><p> </p><p>they all laugh as they remember how soobin teased yeonjun about his height. the latter did not like it, although it was all for jokes anyways. </p><p> </p><p>kai feels somewhat proud of cracking a joke successfully without being that awkward, and yeonjun looks at him with a smile. </p><p> </p><p>“yeah, that's true, but didn't he all group us all together and had a great time there at that blue hour place?” yeonjun pointed out, and they all agree. kai belly rubs soobin and giggles, and soobin feigns a joking expression of disgust. </p><p> </p><p>they burst into giggles even as the group went into the noraebang bar and rented a great, private room that meet to their needs. it's a good thing yeonjun suggested it, kai thinks, that only the five of them would get this room, no more and no less. </p><p> </p><p>kai walks over to yeonjun and gripped his sleeve slightly before he blushed, looking away as he mumbled something about being nervous. it wasn't his first time in a noraebang before, it's just his first time with..<em>them</em>.</p><p> </p><p>and so it began. they requested drinks and some food and yeonjun took up the offer to sing first. he chose a song as he stood up, fixing his hair to make it look good. kai stared. and kai's heart skips beats. </p><p> </p><p>the music starts up and they cheer for yeonjun, bar and rented out a room for a few hours, and kai sat down on the couch and watched as they scrambled to claim seats, and he giggles, spotting some popcorn that was already placed there. <em>still fresh</em>. </p><p> </p><p>he grabs it and watches as yeonjun decided to sing first and he was deciding on a song. his face looked pretty focused on searching for that one song, and kai looks away in order to not let his own head think of how fucking attractive he looks when focused or serious. not now. we can do that later.</p><p> </p><p>kai was eating popcorn while staring at how yeonjun was so goddamn gorgeous under the purple LED lights that illuminated the room, with a slight rainbow reflected from the other strips of lighting surrounding the chairs. soobin sat beside him and nudged the boy out of his trance. </p><p> </p><p>“whipped.” that was all soobin said in order for kai to blush madly and hit his arm. </p><p> </p><p>“hyung! shut up!” thank god that taehyun and beomgyu's loud bickering drowned out soobin and kai's conversation. he whined when soobin teased about how red his cheeks were all of a sudden but the four boys were quickly snapped out of it when music starts to play. </p><p> </p><p>oh, yeonjun was shining. the music was starting to play and it displayed the name of the song— MAGO. beomgyu initiated cheering for him and they all clapped and let out loud encouragements. </p><p> </p><p>“are you ready?” yeonjun yelled through the mic, untying his growing hair and pushing back his bangs, giggling. kai might have said ‘yes’ a little too loudly than the others and the verse was starting.</p><p> </p><p>yeonjun sang the lines perfectly, and passed the mic to kai before the chorus started. that's when all five of them got hyped and danced to the song as they all take turns singing it, dancing to the song as they turned on the small disco ball that shone as the song progresses. </p><p> </p><p>he also notices, as yeonjun sings the more.. <em>romantic</em> parts of the song, he looks into his eyes. subtly, as to not let the others notice. kai's heart raced for the nth time. time seemed to slow whenever they lock eyes as the disco-themed song was playing and the others were singing loudly, with effort or not. he was..enchanted. </p><p> </p><p>he decided to shift his focus. <em>fuck. don't get distracted, kai. </em></p><p> </p><p>kai learned something today. all of them can sing and are pretty good dancers. maybe yeonjun and taehyun were tied in terms of skill, but that didn't matter. they all sang to different songs and ate and drank a little too much and laughed too much. probably not the most ideal place to do so, but it's alright. kai enjoys spending time with them. with how fun they are and every single one of them could light up a city, kai could have forgotten all his worries for a while and focused on them. </p><p> </p><p>but right now, the song that was playing right now was I CAN'T STOP ME, and beomgyu and taehyun were both singing a little too drunkenly, and they laugh. beomgyu attempts several high notes and low notes and taehyun flawlessly pulls off the adlibs like he was born to sing.</p><p> </p><p>kai smiles and giggles as he drinks his cocktail, and yeonjun sat next to him as they watch the trio sing loudly to the song and a few more twice songs, sometimes dancing as well and screaming, making all of them laugh. it was like they could be here for hours and hours and not get tired at all. <em>boundless energy</em>, kai told himself. </p><p> </p><p>“they're good,” kai mutters softly, and yeonjun laughs giggling. </p><p> </p><p>“that's true. they're just drunk outta their minds.” </p><p> </p><p>the two friends laugh and yeonjun stood up, offering his hand. kai grins and takes it as they sing along them and dance to the song, following the steps as the choreo was shown in the music video. it felt like hours upon hours singing, drinking, eating, and dancing. the fun was neverending and it took third place on kai's list of great moments that happened to him this year. </p><p> </p><p>soon enough, beomgyu drank way too much and taehyun and soobin had to carry him out home, which leaves us..with kai and yeonjun, still in the room, panting as they laughed. kai wasn't <em>that</em> drunk yet as his tolerance was pretty high, but he did feel tipsy. </p><p> </p><p>while yeonjun? definitely drunk. <em>a hundred percent drunk</em>. and he wouldn't stop clinging and giggling on him, cooing at kai and being all affectionate. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>…it's adorable, though. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>kai blushed madly as yeonjun started speaking, “ningning-ah~ i wanna sing more~ find a great song, please?” he was pouting, as always, and kai giggles, squishing his cheek. </p><p> </p><p>he got up to get the remote and looks for a song, humming as yeonjun rubbed his belly. he can't lie— he loves it when yeonjun is doing this. he usually rubs others' bellies, but sometimes, yeonjun does it and it warms his heart. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>even drunk, he's so..so.. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>before he could get frustrated, he lands on a song and he chooses it, and he smiles as the song boots up. </p><p> </p><p>the screen shows the title: pporappippam by sunmi. he just knows yeonjun loves this song. it's his type, and he remembers yeonjun gushing at how talented sunmi was and all those lovely things about her. </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun yells happily and he picks up the mic, standing as he drunkenly sings the lyrics. kai joins him, naturally, but somehow, the sound makes it's way to his heart, the lyrics reminding him of how he yearned for the man in front of him for <em>months</em>. it's a call out for all the things he's said and for all the tears he shed just thinking of yeonjun. </p><p> </p><p>he catches yeonjun staring, and the alluring vocals of the singer lingers as the song continues. yeonjun takes a step forward, and kai's scared. he knows what'll happen. </p><p> </p><p>his breath got stuck, “..hyung. you're— you're drunk. we can't..” </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun exhales softly, and kai couldn't help but stare at his pink, plump lips that almost matched the color of his hair, some of it smudged thanks to eating and drinking. he would have felt it and wiped it off and retouched his lipstick back on, but this time, he didn't. </p><p> </p><p>“do..do you think i care, kai?” he was slurring a little, his demeanor completely flipped from the soft and affectionate one from earlier. this one felt too close like the sober yeonjun. “kai..i..whenever i listen to this song, i think of you. fuck, i've always wanted to hear you <em>sing</em> without being scared.” </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun wrapped his arms around kai's waist, and he looks up. kai tries to breathe. too close to his liking, but..maybe.. </p><p> </p><p>kai's hands went to yeonjun's waist, staring at the older's eyes as the purple lights and disco ball still shined, illuminating in their rather small room. the song was thankfully still going on, and his heart wants to break free of it's cage, beating loudly against his chest, almost hitting it. yeonjun chuckles. </p><p> </p><p>“don't be so nervous, kamal,” god, how he <em>loved</em> it whenever yeonjun calls him by his second name. “i'm not going anywhere. i'm here.” </p><p> </p><p>“i'm nervous for something else.” </p><p> </p><p>his own bold words made kai blush, heat rushing through his cheeks and he feels way too stiff for some reason. he momentarily forgets that they both drank and kai's just tipsy while yeonjun was really drunk.</p><p> </p><p>yeonjun laughs and kai wants to hear it all his life. the melody he wants to hear. </p><p> </p><p>“okay. well, don't be, cause even if i might not remember, i'll just know the feeling~” </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun leans close and they stumble, falling onto the soft, leathery couch, lips locked. it wasn't kai's first kiss of course, but it was the first where he felt like he wanted more of it. he sucked at kissing, but he wanted to make this work. </p><p> </p><p>he didn't care if his shoulders hurt a little when they stumbled and fell, choosing to focus on how yeonjun kisses him messily, but kept it chaste and surprisingly..loving. he doesn't know how to describe it otherwise as yeonjun kisses him with experience. </p><p> </p><p>it was natural, as if the bitter taste of alcohol was non-existent in the first place. kai follows through yeonjun's pattern, closing his eyes, not caring if the song ended. he inhales sharply when yeonjun, for a moment, pressed a little deeper— almost going to an unmarked territory but the older's instincts stopped him. <em>thank goodness</em>. </p><p> </p><p>kai furrows his brows and grips on yeonjun's studded jacket, whimpering softly as he felt yeonjun's plush lips move against his own, nibbling on his lower lip shyly, and kai parts to breathe. yeonjun stares at him and his hand traveled to his cheek, cupping it gently. </p><p> </p><p>they breathe, and kai tries to comprehend what's happening right now. yeonjun kissed him. yeonjun was drunk and was kissing him like there was no tomorrow. and he kissed back. </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun massages kai's waist and dives in for another, the urge too strong to resist at this point. and kai meets him in the middle, holding him close and tilting his head to taste him better, and a small noise was heard from yeonjun, and he gasped, tugging on kai's long sleeves. </p><p> </p><p><em>it's wrong</em>, kai thinks. <em>it's wrong to kiss him..but why can't i stop?</em> his heart screamed for choi yeonjun, choi yeonjun, choi yeonjun. it— no, he needed yeonjun, but he felt like it was wrong to have such feelings. the effects yeonjun had on him was..a little too much. kai could just fucking <em>drown</em> at how yeonjun was so close to him and their shared warmth almost suffocated him. but it was all so damn good. </p><p> </p><p>he whimpers as yeonjun pulled away and he stares up at yeonjun, and they were breathing heavily. each others’ lips were red and swollen, but kai only felt the “swollen” part. yeonjun, meanwhile, was grinning as he breathed, his thumb swiping away something that was on kai’s lips.</p><p> </p><p>“seems like the lipstick got on you, cutie,” yeonjun said, his words a little sluggish, and he chuckled. kai’s cheeks got warmer but he needed to do something. they were both alone in a rented room for noraebangs and it was late. he pushes yeonjun away from him and inhales shakily, taking another drink and wiping his lips rather..hurriedly. </p><p> </p><p>“h-hyung, let's go home. i still have to do things tonight,” kai murmurs before he grabs his things and fixes his hair, leaving yeonjun without a word. </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun chased him, running and grabbing his wrist, “k-kai, please. we aren't done yet—” </p><p> </p><p>“hyung, no! i'll be going home now, hyung. just call changbin-ssi or something to pick you up!” he yelled, voice cracking a little but he didn't care. he walked away from yeonjun as further as possible. </p><p> </p><p>he dials a number and shivers, tearing up as the phone was answered. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“hello? huening hyung, is that you? where are you? i'm glad you answered, lea noona was worried.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>the voice from the other end was speaking in a hurried and worrying manner. he could almost picture the boy at the other end shaking, both from relief and heightened anxiety.</p><p> </p><p>kai breathes before he answers, gripping his phone. </p><p> </p><p>“i just went out, sunoo..is it o-okay if you can wait for me by the bus station?” </p><p> </p><p><em>“sure hyung,”</em> sunoo answered from the other line and he could hear a distant shuffle, <em>“can niki come as well? i'm with him right now. he's a little worried, too..” </em></p><p> </p><p>he smiles and chuckles as he walks to the bus and pays for his fare, sitting at the farthest seat. “okay, i guess..please tell my mom that i'm coming soon. thanks, sunoo.” </p><p> </p><p>the younger uttered a ‘you're welcome’ before the call ended, and kai sniffles softly. god, why is this so hard for him to do? why is it easier for sunoo and niki? why is the world unfair to him, to make him fall in love with someone so close yet so far? </p><p> </p><p>he leans on the bus seat and wipes his own tears away. at least he has his sisters and other friends. </p><p> </p><p>(when he arrived, he immediately cries on sunoo's shoulder and he and niki hugged kai. they took him home and he stayed in his room the entire night, telling the two younger boys about why he was late and everything else. </p><p> </p><p>it hurts. it really does.) </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> <strong><em>+ i. sweeter than sweet</em></strong></p><p> </p><p> </p><p>kai was trying to focus in class, but he couldn't. his mind wanders to that night, remembering how yeonjun had held him and the way his lips moved effortlessly. damn. even now, he's still thinking of him? he wanted to move on, but it seems like he couldn't. </p><p> </p><p>he blocked yeonjun's number after that incident, and he doesn't want to go anywhere near to a place they've been before, not wanting to trigger any memories that could happen. it hurt him to see that these places were ruined with the memory of yeonjun laughing, cheeks rising up and eyes sparkling with mirth. </p><p> </p><p>he doesn't want to deal with this anymore. </p><p> </p><p>kai's gotten multiple warnings already. he spaces out a lot more than usual. he can't focus or listen properly, and he still can't untangle the knots that hold back his lungs from functioning properly as the teacher purposefully let the others leave the class and having to endure hearing lectures about how stupid he is and how dazed he is. the teacher (or rather, <em>teachers</em>) called him slurs. just like everyone else. words that start with r and f and many many others. </p><p> </p><p>he can't even tell his sisters and mother that he's going through this. soobin knows, sunoo knows, and <em>fuck</em> whoever knows as well. he can't think properly right now, mind flurrying with wild thoughts. </p><p> </p><p>getting bitchslapped by the teacher was better than having to deal with all these emotions. why can't he be numb? why can't he be emotionless and silent like some kind of robot? why can't he withstand these shitty “punishments” or “warnings” again. he'd rather die than have that happen over and over again. </p><p> </p><p>once it was done, he walks home, sighing heavily and immediately going to his room and locks the door when he arrives at the house. he leans on the door and falls, crying and hiding his face. this rarely happens, but it still happens. it tires him out and he just cries. </p><p> </p><p>he cries and cries until his throat felt raw. he feels so small and alone in this big world, so stupidly so, and he tries to breathe. the room's spinning and he felt his head felt lightweight. he can't focus, can't breathe. fuck, it hurts him. he sobs and wobbles to stand up, legs trembling as he walks to the bed and sat there, sniffling. </p><p> </p><p>opening the drawer of his desk, he grabs his phone and sniffles, wrapping himself in a blanket as he scrolls to find the contact he was looking for and he presses the call button and placed it on his ear, and he sobs, waiting for someone to pick it up. </p><p> </p><p>he shivers and sobs softly, and he let out a cry of relief. </p><p> </p><p>“s-sunoo-ah, where— where are you? i..fuck, i can't do this, sunoo—” he sobs, “e-everything is messed u-up. it's m-my fault. i shouldn't have pushed him away even if it hurt. i feel so sorry for him—” </p><p> </p><p>he breaks down in tears and sniffles, crying softly and murmuring how much he feels sorry for leaving yeonjun behind, and he didn't even realize that the person on the other side of the line didn't speak— until now. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“..huening ah? where are you?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>fuck. kai sobs more and he hides in the blanket, crying softly. oh god, oh god, this is bad this is bad this is bad— </p><p> </p><p>“h-hyung,” he mumbled, sobbing, “fuck, i'm so sorry, d-did i call your number? i'll hang up now—” he was shaking, wanting to crawl into a deep, dark hole and rot there as he felt guilt spread across his body so damn easily. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“kai, no, it's okay. you called taehyun's number. they're worried about you. should i go to your place?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“d-did you not listen to me? i..i can't face you right now, hyung, not like this—” he let out louder cries and breathes. </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun sighs. <em>“no, kai, i have some explaining to do. i'll come over. i don't care if i don't know your address, taehyunie can help. pocket can tell me, and pockets— they're— they're scared just as i am.” </em></p><p> </p><p>another voice was in the call and it was taehyun, who seemed to be sniffling softly. </p><p> </p><p><em>“hueningie, let yeonjun hyung help you. he can take care of you much better than sunoo or me.”</em> he could feel that taehyun's smiling sadly, even though they're both separated by distance. </p><p> </p><p>kai whimpers and sniffles. he doesn't want to, but..but hearing yeonjun's calming voice and his soft, calloused hands gripping his for comfort..he missed it. he doesn't know what to do, since he basically left a drunk yeonjun alone in a noraebang bar because he was <em>scared</em>. </p><p> </p><p>he hangs up and hides in the blankets, curling up and sobbing. he's half glad that the girls were out today, going shopping. he's glad that he's alone and that he's not being distrubed. </p><p> </p><p>..until he heard the doorbell ring. his heart quickens it's pace and he curls up, hugging himself as he was in a fetal position. kai quiets down and hears the door shuffle and unlock, and he hears clicking. loud footsteps to his room. </p><p> </p><p>loud, hurried knocking. “kai? huening kai? it's me, yeonjun hyung. taehyun gave me a spare key, don't know why they have one but—” </p><p> </p><p>kai sobbed softly and whimpers, “g-go away, hyung. please..it's not— not worth your time.” he wipes his tears away stubbornly, even though yeonjun can't see it. </p><p> </p><p>“i don't give two shits if my time is gonna be wasted, kai. let me in,” he replied, breathing shakily and gripping the doorknob. kai was taken aback by yeonjun's bluntness, but he supposes that it must be his filterless self— blunt, a little more wild than usual, and more like the yeonjun kai knows. </p><p> </p><p>kai hesitates, before he got up and wrapped his blanket around him and hides his face and unlocks the door. he shamefully meets yeonjun's eyes, and they were laced with worry, anger, and sadness. </p><p> </p><p>“oh, ningning, are you alright?” </p><p> </p><p>he got in and closed the door behind him and cupped kai's cheeks, wiping his tears away with his thumb. kai trembles and sobs, summoning some energy to shake his head truthfully, looking away from yeonjun. </p><p> </p><p>this time, the sudden visit wasn't something planned or anything light-hearted and for hangouts. this time it was about a topic they both avoided, but they needed to confront it. and kai's terrified that their months of friendship would crumble just like that; crumbling like a sandcastle being washed away by the waves of regret and despair, an ache seeping through the sands that was used to build up a temporary happiness. kai knew it wouldn't last long enough. </p><p> </p><p>is this how it all ends? with yeonjun comforting him before leaving him, telling him how much he <em>despised</em> him? kai cries more at that thought and pushed yeonjun away, sobbing and hiding himself away from the older. </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun yelps, and kai could see a frown creep up in his features and he sat himself on the soft bed, and he gently pats kai's shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>“..hey, kai..” yeonjun starts, “is there anything you need? do you need anything before we talk about it?” the pink hair fell to his shoulders, messily so, as he didn't have time to fix himself up. </p><p> </p><p>oh, oh, kai cries a little more because of that. even though they're on the brink of breaking, yeonjun is still so fucking caring, always putting kai's needs and wants first. it breaks his heart to know that, to know that yeonjun is a caring, loving man who wouldn't question what you want. that kind of traits can get you into trouble as far as kai knows, and it..it hurts. </p><p> </p><p>kai sniffles, “maybe..maybe some hot chocolate and more blankets. i..there's some in the kitchen and blankets are here in my closet.” </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun smiles and nodded, his hand lingering a little on kai's shoulder before he went to get them. kai sat up and sobs softly, crying on his hands before he turns on the fairy lights and checks his phone for updates in his private twitter account. <em>seems like they missed me. oh well..why would they, when they have better writers to provide from them?</em> it was a good distraction from the problems that were arising in real life. everything could shatter in an instant and kai would have— he would have— </p><p> </p><p>kai's thoughts were interrupted by the opening of the door, and he looks up to see yeonjun hold two mugs of hot chocolate with a bit of marshmallows on them. <em>exactly what he told yeonjun back then. </em></p><p> </p><p>he sniffles and takes a mug and blows the steam off before he takes an experimental sip, and he sighs softly before drinking a little more. yeonjun was smiling and he drinks as well. kai set down his mug after a little while of silence and he inhales softly, sobbing a little. </p><p> </p><p>“why..why did you come here..? why didn't you leave me alone?” kai asked quietly, not facing yeonjun and fidgeting with his fingers, squeezing them and massaging them. he looks ahead and tries to ground himself. </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun was silent for a while but he sighs, “kai..i— i've been meaning to talk to you since then, but i couldn't. i didn't know your address, i couldn't contact you..but i guess the chance showed up and i did whatever i can to— to grab it before it's too late.” </p><p> </p><p>kai's hand was balled into a fist and he exhales shakily. he thinks that it's not true, that yeonjun's here just to have pity on him and he'll probably shame him on his back. probably. he doesn't know what yeonjun is gonna do ever since that night. </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun would have made kai unclench his fist, but he didn't. kai sniffles and hides his face in the blanket. </p><p> </p><p>“why— why would you do that when i'm not worth anything? i-i'm not worth your time, tears, or anything a-at all! i just rely too much on others and it's a-already getting worse. i can't focus, i can't do well, i— i—” </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun hugged kai tightly and kai could tell that the pink-haired man was tearing up due to how tightly he gripped the back of his sweater. kai cries softly as he felt the warmth of yeonjun's hug again; he missed it so much. nothing could compare to this. </p><p> </p><p>“kai, listen to me.” yeonjun pulls away slightly from the hug and he wipes away kai's tears with his sleeve, frowning. “those reasons are <em>exactly</em> why i want to take care of you. you're worth anything and everything to me, and i never want to see you so broken like this..” </p><p> </p><p>kai finally had the courage to look up at yeonjun and he sobbed softly. he searched if there was any sort of lies hidden in yeonjun's eyes, and he couldn't find anything. </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun spoke up again, “you know..i didn't regret kissing you there, though,” he whispers softly, like he was telling a secret. “how can i not resist? even when i was sober, i wanted to kiss you or hold you.” </p><p> </p><p>they were so close, but kai knows yeonjun wouldn't be the type to force himself on kai so easily. no, he wouldn't be like that. and he <em>knows</em> it, because yeonjun's told him about that before. kai sobbed, trying to not choke on his tears and yeonjun coos ever so softly, wiping away more tears. </p><p> </p><p>“hueningie, i..i didn't know i could hurt you like that, though. i..i'm sorry. if you don't want me, then it's okay.” yeonjun had the audacity to smile when kai could see right through him. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>he's scared of losing someone so close to him. just like kai. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>kai gets scared when yeonjun got up. fuck, fuck, where is he—? </p><p> </p><p>“so..i understand if you don't want me here. that's fine by me; after all, i did something that i couldn't take back. i..i'm sorry.” </p><p> </p><p>as yeonjun was about to leave the room, kai did something that only happens on kdramas: </p><p> </p><p>he took yeonjun's wrist and pulled him close into an embrace as he cries on yeonjun's shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>he sobs, “h-hyung, please, don't go..” great, kai's starting to take back those thoughts he had. everything yeonjun said felt so..genuine. and loving. “i— i was just scared of the thoughts i had if i pursued even more. i'm terrified of being with s-someone. i d-don't exactly want to be in a relationship, but..but for a while now, i only kept a-asking myself what it's like..to be..to be with you.” </p><p> </p><p>kai exhales deeply and he pulled yeonjun closer, hugging him. yeonjun, meanwhile, looked at kai with those gentle eyes of his, encouraging him to continue talking. yeonjun gently plays with kai's hair as he patiently waited for the younger to talk. </p><p> </p><p>“for the past months that i've been friends with you, i..i noticed that whenever we get close or if you say something, i'd feel like there was some butterflies in my tummy and i get shy. i can't— i don't really hang out with other people, and i just..” kai stops momentarily to breathe, and yeonjun mumbles something about continuing, and that he's listening. </p><p> </p><p>kai nodded and looked into yeonjun's eyes. “i..i find myself getting so lost in you. i don't exactly know when i had the moment where i was like ‘oh..i feel this way to him’, but i did. and it made things harder. i didn't know what to do.” </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun nodded, not speaking in order to listen to every word kai would say, and he was patient. he held kai close as well, humming encouragingly. </p><p> </p><p>kai sniffles as a fresh set of tears roll down on his cheeks. </p><p> </p><p>“yeonjunie hyung, i haven't gotten the chance to tell you this earlier, but like you said, i..i'll take this chance before it's too late.” </p><p> </p><p>he breathes evenly and sniffles, “h-hyung, i'm pansexual. and i'm so fucking in love with you, i don't know what to do if you weren't here.” </p><p> </p><p>silence. the two of them could only hear the loud beating of their hearts and the soft sobbing of the taller boy. yeonjun smiles and let his tears run free, hugging kai back and cradling him close. </p><p> </p><p>“oh, hueningie..i'm so proud of you. i'm glad you're so strong and brave enough to tell me all this..” </p><p> </p><p>he kissed his cheek softly and kai felt warmth rushing to it, and he looks at yeonjun, confused. what..? </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun giggles, “i'm in love with you, too, huening-ah. been like that for a few months now..” he wipes away kai's tears and chuckles. kai didn't need any explanation, and he sobs before he held yeonjun closer, and the older laughs and hugs back. </p><p> </p><p>they swayed a little as they hugged, and yeonjun smiles softly, reaching up a hand to pat his head, and he tiptoes to kiss his forehead, to which kai responds with a small squeak. </p><p> </p><p>“you're such a cutie, ningning~ hehe, i'm glad we share the same feelings,” yeonjun cooed, and kai sniffles and nodded as yeonjun guides them to the couch in the living room and they sat down. </p><p> </p><p>kai pulls away from the hug and wipes away yeonjun's tears, “h-hyung, so..um..will you stay a little longer here? i wanna..spend time with you. i missed you a lot.” </p><p> </p><p>it's also been a while since kai's been straightforward about his needs and wants, and he blushes at that. yeonjun smiles that toothy grin with those squishy cheeks and nodded. </p><p> </p><p>“sure! but you know, i'll always stay here by your side, right?” they both giggled and kai nodded, blushing. “so, ningning, how about we watch something, or just, i don't know, eat snacks while music is playing.” </p><p> </p><p>a silence followed as kai thinks, and yeonjun was gently stroking his head. “um..i..i-i prefer the latter, hyung.” </p><p> </p><p>yeonjun laughs and kai hides his face with his sweater paws, before yeonjun got up and takes on of the said sweater paws and interlocks their hands together. </p><p> </p><p>“well then, let's grab some snacks and play whatever we like.” </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>★</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>they were currently eating some gummies as they were huddled up in a blanket, with a few nice songs playing in a bluetooth speaker kai had. kai certainly didn't expect to have yeonjun here in his house, but is he complaining? no. </p><p> </p><p>and kai is certain that yeonjun wasn't either. </p><p> </p><p>kai leans his head on yeonjun's shoulder, sighing softly and cuddling to his side, drinking the almost-forgotten hot chocolate as the song shuffles to YOU! by lany. beomgyu recommended it to him once, and he could never stop hearing that song in his head afterwards. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>he hums and yeonjun smiles, “did beomgyu recommend this to you? as far as i know, you listen to voicebanks with impressive vocals.” kai laughs and nodded, and they giggle together. </p><p> </p><p>“he did! i actually like this song. it's..it explains..what i feel about you.” </p><p> </p><p>they went quiet, and kai took yeonjun's hand after setting the hot chocolate on the desk again, and kai looks straight to yeonjun's eyes. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>you're the sun to the moon </em>
</p><p>
  <em>you're my ocean painted blue</em>
</p><p>
  <em>you, i'm nothing without you</em>
</p><p> </p><p>the lyrics played as they inched closer together, so close that their noses are touching. kai breathes, a little raggedly already, nervous. yeonjun gently caressed his hand. </p><p> </p><p>“it's okay,” he whispers softly, “i'm here. don't worry about it, ‘cause you still have me.” </p><p> </p><p>those words were enough for kai to gently hold yeonjun close as their lips meet in the middle. kai's worries melted away almost in an instant when their lips touched. yeonjun slowly cupped kai's cheek as their lips moved in synchrony. kai grips yeonjun's hand tight, and yeonjun gripped back. </p><p> </p><p>kai knew that this was heaven. </p><p> </p><p>his heart pounds as kai adjusted himself, sitting up more properly and he nibbles on yeonjun's lips, and he hears a soft sigh from yeonjun as they part slightly. </p><p> </p><p>“w-was that okay, hyung?” kai's a nervous wreck but he can't deny the fact that it felt so much better than last time. </p><p> </p><p>“are you fucking kidding me, love? you were amazing. did you remember how i kissed you, hm?” yeonjun grins and licked his lip, looking at kai and the latter was blushing madly. </p><p> </p><p>he laces his hand with yeonjun's, whining, “h-hyung! you didn't have to..um..say that.” kai then promptly hid his face on yeonjun's neck and hugged him close with his free hand. </p><p> </p><p>“but..um..i think i forgot how you kissed me. can you make me remember?” </p><p> </p><p>kai looks up at him shyly and bluahed even more as yeonjun stares at him, and yeonjun giggles. </p><p> </p><p>“well, i don't see that it's a problem. come here, ningning.” </p><p> </p><p>they both fell down onto the bed, and kai was careful to grab the pack of gummies that were about to fall before yeonjun captures him in a loving kiss, and kai can already tell that yeonjun was pouring out all the feelings he felt for kai. it might have been rushed, but it feels so so good. </p><p> </p><p>and kai did the same. he'll always make sure yeonjun knows what he's feeling, and he'll pour out love and affection that he feels only for yeonjun in the case yeonjun has low moments. he wanted to repay yeonjun for all the love and care he's given to him in the past months. and of course, buy him the food that they both like. </p><p> </p><p>kai smiles in the kiss and after they part away, kai cuddled yeonjun, mumbling something about the older to staying the night. </p><p> </p><p>“what about your sisters and mom?” yeonjun asks softly, his hand gently combing through kai's messy hair, careful on untying the knots. kai leans on him. </p><p> </p><p>he hums, “it'll be fine. they're..they're gonna be shocked, but it's nothing we can't handle, hyung.” </p><p> </p><p>“if you say so,” yeonjun chuckles and kissed his forehead before cuddling him as well. “i'm glad i can stay here, for once.” </p><p> </p><p>kai giggled, “you can always stay here,” he replied in a soft tone, and yeonjun smiles, pecking his lips gently. </p><p> </p><p>the stars and the moon has witnessed another pair of souls finally coming together, and the night was only full of warmth and tender love shared between the souls. </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>if you spotted all of the references littered throughout the fic, i will love you forever</p><p>i hope u enjoyed this fic as much as i enjoyed writing it ! i'm a little scared for criticism but whatever ;;; sobs </p><p>there might be typos and grammatical errors, pls understand :(( anyways merry christmas and wEAR YOUR MASKS &gt;:(</p></blockquote></div></div>
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